I stepped into my thirties arrogantly believing that I possessed all the resources I needed to learn to take the next journey towards a successful adulthood. I believed that I had the “formula”, whatever the hell I thought that one to be. One broken marriage and a decade later, slapped with defeat, I retraced my steps. I mean, yeah, I am still retracing my steps. Daily trashing whatever bits of the “formula”that I had. Truth be told, I think I will die trying to make sense of out this life.
This blog entry, I still can’t fathom its purpose, other than I had this urge an hour earlier to “write” bits and pieces of thoughts running through my mind. My mind. I worry about you. You overthink. You overstress about anything and everything. Chill can’t be found in your vocabulary. You’re even taking byte space in this missive. SHUT UP mind.
I don’t know (i don’t know so many things, and what freedom! Take that 30 year old self!) who and how many among you have undergone or is undergoing my life at the moment. Let’s take a moment to gather together, hold hands, form a circle (because a square?), and shout a collective “Hell Yeah!”to the universe.
Okay now let’s talk about blunders. At 40, broke and alone (well, not really, I went back to my family, my parents, my sisters, and my one cute nephew), I was in denial. I told myself I’m okay, I got this, until I only had less than 100PhP (2usd) in my bank account that I had to swallow my pride and ask people for financial aid, okay…friends, okay…including the EX. And financial aid I got (thank you, each one of you, and yes, you too EX, for making me broke and the guilt fund you sent my way). I got so depressed and I think that this was good for me, because it made me think clearly (yeah, go figure), do a mental inventory of resources and remembered my former boss, whom I emailed at 2am that fateful night. I have not kept in close contact with her, and not knowing the details of my “downfall”, she called me the next day and offered me a job. It almost did not push through, but when it’s for you, well…it’s for you.
Moving towards restoration. Slowly, painfully, from ground zero, I began re-building my life. There was a lot of emotional baggages along the way. Self-concepts/self-esteem that I had evaluated, and am still evaluating. I am well aware that other people have had it worse than I did. I am in no way trivialising their life experiences by comparison.
Looking back, I made this list of material things that I had wanted to obtain, and in a short time, I got 4/5 of them. The last item because I decided I did not want it anymore. After this came my unwritten lists. They all came true. Well, one more major item and then a new list is definitely coming up. The lists aren’t that long. But they were major items I had wanted to achieve after turning 40. Listing, I found, helped me find my way back to my drive. I had lost it after the “failures”of the life I’ve always wanted.
It was in my 40s that I’ve retraced my steps to my old self. The one whom I knew before I got so caught up with adulting/living other people’s lives, wanting other people’s lives. It is a liberating process. I feel like crying at times, a happy shedding of salty tears. It’s like meeting an old friend you’ve lost touch with for a very long time. It’s gotten so that I actually feel thankful the ex decided to rid his life of me, after pledging til death do us part in front of God and witnesses, ha! ha! ha! THANK YOU!
It’s not an all-roses-no-thorns kind of existence though. Hell, no! For one thing, I sometimes do wonder if I will end up alone, having discovered singlehood and all its no-compromise-only-happiness approach to living. I’ve forgotten how to relate to another human being in the context of romance. That concept is already a stranger. But it crosses my mind from time to time. It’s like phantom pain…pain felt by a body part that is no longer there. Yeah, like my heart? (drama-queen that I am). I’m keeping this open, but more realistic this time. Let’s live this life as it should be. No more impositions.
I’m aftraid I have bored you right after the second paragraph way up there. So I will park this until another je-ne-sais-quoi entry.
Have a bright, cheerful day from your heart.
I will do the same.